Audacity

Seething. I am furious because my ex boyfriend, who I used to live with, text me on Saturday night out of the blue. Although I have not seen him for two years, I spoke to him briefly in October because he pulled a similar stunt. Anyway, this time, I thought it was best to go and see him, in order to finally resolve any underlying issues. We admitted that we were both still very fond of eachother and were both still harbouring dim hopes of a possible reconciliation. There were a few soppy mentions, on both sides, of ideas such as “…still the love of my life,” “…calling your name in my sleep,” “…can’t believe we’re not together” and “…we’re older now.” However, when I arrived, I was confronted with the “I don’t kow what I want” speech, laced with “I don’t want a relationship.” Fair enough, I have no idea what I want either, but I resented his tone, which seemed to imply that he was “letting me down gently” before I was in a position to be let down. Let me point out again that it was he who contacted me. Anyway, we had a nice time together and agreed not to make any promises and to see how things panned out.

When I got home, I was disappointed to discover that he still has a difficult relationship with his phone and seems unable to reply to text messages within 72 hours of receiving them. He has always been like this and it is something that frustrates everyone and which is nothing personal. However, it reminded me that I don’t want this again, it’s a waste of time, so I tried to contact him to say we should leave it. I wanted to get it off my chest immediately, so I could just put the episode behind me. However, he refused to call back and I had to call him at his parents house, since he has returned there for the fourth time and is apparently waiting for his own house to be built. By the time I spoke to him, I was very wound up and upset and the subsequent conversation served only to open old wounds and it felt like breaking up all over again. He conceded that the meeting had been a mistake, which he realised as soon as I started trying to call him. I was then , of course, accused of being irrational and expecting too much because he had automatically assumed that I was upset simply because I wanted him back and couldn’t have him.  Actually, I was upset because I was appalled that he could treat me with such disrespect and that through his inconsiderate behaviour, he had cheapened what we had had. Before he sent the text, I had decided not to contact him, despite missing him, but to let him go and be happy with someone else. Evidently he was unable to afford me the same courtesy. Surely, what is irrational is to text your ex after such a long time apart and hint at getting back together. I accept that I shouldn’t have gone, but at least I would have had the sense to leave well alone, had he not bothered me.

Of course his excuses including “I found it hard to let go,” “feelings like that don’t just go away,” “maybe you moved on, but I didn’t.” Now, because I committed the outrageous act of calling his parents’ house at 11pm, it seems he wants nothing more to do with me. So, if feelings don’t go away after two years, why do they after one day?

To quote Amy Winehouse, “…I question myself again…what is it about men???”